smitten

So tonight, I get to the Christian meeting and beautiful boy wasn't there yet. I was pretty uncomfortable as everyone was OVERLY friendly and inquisitive as to who I was and how I found out about the group. It was the longest 8 minutes I've endured in a very long time, freaking out in my head that he wasn't going to show. But alas he did, and he was his usual very shy reserved self throughout it. We read a parable that was essentially about the Golden Rule, compassion, and paying it forward, which yanno is my guiding principle, I even wear a bracelet that says "Pay it forward" which everyone in the group found amusing and coincidental. The general ideas and practices discussed I definitely believe in, I just don't necessarily believe 1 higher power is behind it all, I believe people and mankind as a whole is. So that part was uncomfortable, everyone talking about us being indebted to Jesus, following his gospel, praying, etc etc.

We did an icebreaker in which we went around and shared our name, department, and the reason we're in grad school, and everyone talked about how God called them here..... yea not so much for me, I'm here because I want to give others an even better experience than I had in undergrad and help students like I was helped. So yea I stuck out like a sore thumb with that statement haha.Then they started talking about forgiveness, and this one boy equated forgiving someone to dying for them, and allowing a part of you to die for them through that forgiveness, I'm sorry but uhhhh that's a bit much... this made me uncomfortable, and it seemed like beautiful boy was too which made me feel better. I mean I know I'm not religious but didn't Jesus encourage us to be all forgiving? Let's not equate ourselves to his sacrifice and compare our forgiveness to dying for others. It's just accepting that we're all human and fuck up and we should forgive others like we would want to be forgiven.

Afterwards beautiful walked out with me and asked me what I thought, to which I was completely honest and agreed with him that they were an eclectic bunch and he laughed, and that I thought it was very interesting. As our schmoopy flirty banter and chat continued I eventually shared that it was challenging for me with all the talk of Jesus and he inquired why, and I was then walking on eggshells b/c knowing myself I would blurt out something that would offend him. I explained that while I if anything I more so identify with the ideologies of the Eastern religions I don't necessarily believe or not believe in 1 higher power being behind it all, I believe in people as a whole and could probably be defined as agnostic. I thought this would make him completely dismiss me but it seemed like he grew more intrigued, and then we made silly small talk about where we're from, etc etc and I pretended like I didn't know anything about him haha. I was mistaken about what he's studying however, he is in the Sports Managment PhD program. So even after our whole chat he still made no mention of being an athlete here at all, let alone an award-winning scholar all-star. What humility, what a turn on. The whole chat I thought I was going to turn into jello and just pass out, because it was clear he was just as nervous and shy which is beyond me because he's one of the most beautiful creatures I've ever seen who's eyes and smile could melt anyone into butter. That's all I got, I sent him a cutesy schmoopy little message when I got home thanking him again and complimented him on his humility because I "just found out" (LIE) that he was an allstar, and ended it with a flirty little statement saying "getting out of your comfort zone is a good thing, you'll never know what you find (="

we shall see. meeps. Alright, I gotta go write 3 papers haha and pack for Oneonta tomorrow night in which I shall see many loved ones, particularly a beautiful blonde Swede!